Pfeiffer Diaries

2006-05-16T00:35:00.000-05:00

"Whoa, you mean I can blow my own penis balloon?!?"
— Amanda Piell

2006-02-05T00:44:00.000-06:00

"Most dead people are parapeligic." — Owen

2006-02-04T22:51:00.000-06:00

"We don't need to be fun to have drunk!" —Erinn

2006-02-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

"If your mom was baked into a giant cookie, would you eat her out?"
— Davey

2006-01-23T00:20:00.000-06:00

"I wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself."
— Mandy over AIM

2005-12-12T15:37:00.000-06:00

"I look like a spaceship!"
— Kate on napping in her loft

2005-12-11T23:29:00.000-06:00

"I don't know if I'd actually want to talk to him, but I'd flatten that man in the middle of the road."
— Kate on Orlando Bloom

2005-10-17T21:44:00.000-05:00

"I'm only leg naked! That's hardly a naked at all!"
— Roxy on pants

2005-09-21T13:16:00.000-05:00

"[to Locke on Lost] What are you, a fucking Horse Whisperer for dinosaurs? Get out of there!!!"

— Kate

2005-09-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

"Put that on my 'I'm a mooching fuck' tab"
— Davey on Rum

2005-07-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

"Stamp, stamp, stamp, chop...milk jug!"
— Davey on dairy factories

2005-06-17T19:28:00.000-05:00

"Ah...I didn't know Mexicans had brunch."
— Britta on the Juanita's menu

2005-06-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

"[drunkenly] Hey Erinn, do you think they're gonna kick us out of the Hilltop because we're in our pajamas? Because Mandy and I are both in our pajamas."
— the Kate

2005-05-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

"THE! Bitches!"
— Hoover on rule elimination

2005-05-14T23:42:00.000-05:00

"My invisible car can go twice as fast as your piece of shit."
— Chuck

2005-05-13T22:47:00.000-05:00

"You guys, I have to pee before I can drink gravy."
— Amanda

2005-05-03T00:48:00.000-05:00

"Roxy, where did you live last year?"
"[incredulous look]"
— Erinn, Roxy

2005-04-19T18:44:00.000-05:00

"Oh, I can't go wrong now! We've got a narcoleptic Argentinian on our hands!"
— Lockhart on Moulin Rouge

2005-04-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

"It's like a fucked up pregnancy test."
— Mandy on color changing Lucky Charms

2005-04-05T17:08:00.000-05:00

"'It's so brilliant. I was really proud of Elijah. Cuz.. I didn't like, laugh and say 'Aw, how cute... he's eating people.'"
— Kate on Sin City

2005-03-19T16:10:00.000-06:00

"Cheesecake is more like a one-night stand. But ravioli, that's love."
— Mandy on food relationships

2005-02-02T21:17:00.000-06:00

"Sperm are made daily. Like donuts!"
— Britta

2005-01-27T19:05:00.000-06:00

"SPONGES UNITE!"
— Vance, to three KD-Chis

2004-12-12T16:04:00.000-06:00

"Back in the day...I was sweaty, and I had flakes."
— Nicole

2004-11-10T20:54:00.000-06:00

"[whispers] What's an emo?"
— Megan

2004-10-30T21:42:00.001-05:00

"They will stand outside with their big hoses, but they won't put their big hoses inside."
— Jordan on Rood House

2004-10-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

"It's like the QAF of the sea!"
— Nicole on Shark Tale

2004-10-20T19:19:00.000-05:00

"I don't know how I feel about licking."
— Kate

2004-10-14T22:28:00.001-05:00

{sadly} "Oh no, he cut off its horn-y."
"Or you know, you were turned on by it!"
"Oh, suck it."
— Erinn and Kate on Star Wars

2004-10-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

"There needs to be a social security number raffle."
"I think it's called the draft."
— Maria and Kate

2004-09-29T21:22:00.000-05:00

"Squirrels are hardcore, man."
— Kate

2004-09-23T01:44:00.000-05:00

"My teacher took my pants. She had to grade them."
— Maria

2004-09-20T13:28:00.000-05:00

"I'm trying to be sweet and serious here... leave my wang alone!"
— Brandon

2004-09-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

"I am a hick! Just gimme a pair of shit kickers and wranglers, and I'm ready to go!"
— Maria

2004-09-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

"Having sex in 3/8 would get kinda boring...but in 5/8, you could actually progress!"
— Maria

2004-09-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

"You peaed in my apple crap! I don't know how to feel about that."
— Maria

2004-09-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

"Nicole, we shall just call you...Jelly Ass!"
— Kate

2004-09-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

"Wow, I haven't felt shocked about someone grabbing my boob in a long time."
— Erinn

2004-09-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

"If he made you feel junky, I'm going to go beat him with a wet noodle."
— Maria

2004-08-30T19:19:00.000-05:00

"Do you have tissues?...I have snot."
— Nicole

2004-08-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

"Put 50 holes in your face, I don't care, but don't grow hair, it's not your butt."
— Maria

2004-03-16T22:55:00.000-06:00

{sadly} "Awww, you're making me horny...."
— Sarah

2004-03-01T16:49:00.000-06:00

"I'm glad I never met Socrates. I think I would have punched him."
— Roxy

2004-02-12T01:13:00.000-06:00

"I enjoy phase change phenomena. Steam is particularly exciting."
— Erinn

2004-01-22T23:45:00.000-06:00

"For Mormons, God is everybody's daddy."
"So when a Mormon says 'Who's your daddy?', it's rhetorical?"
— Roxy, Jordan

2004-01-15T00:56:00.000-06:00

"Can you imagine crocheting a mitten for, like, God?"
— Erinn

2003-10-28T17:34:00.000-06:00

"Everybody has those Eddie Bauer things now. I hate those things!"
"You're wearing a fucking Eddie Bauer shirt!"
— Sam, Kate

2003-10-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

"Jordan, are you aware that part of your head is in the garbage can?"
— Maria, on Jordan's new haircut

2003-09-07T22:39:00.000-05:00

"Wow, that actually makes me feel like.. Whoosh!"
— Maria, regarding her new waterfall wallpaper

2003-08-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

Kate: I have been very bad tonight.
Kate: I stole a HUGE LOTR poster from a CTA bus stop.
Jordan: rofl
Kate: No, I'm serious. Todd got a wrench and we unscrewed it and just took the fucker.

2003-07-16T21:29:00.000-05:00

"Shut up... I'm witty."
— Kate, on IM

2003-05-22T08:53:00.000-05:00

"In order to see, the back of the brain is the bit. It's all like, vision!"
– Erinn

2003-05-09T00:07:00.000-05:00

"Can I check my e-mail?"
"Yes you may. I want a donut."
– Jordan and Kasey

2003-05-08T01:27:00.000-05:00

"I don't need that! That's a wipey!"
– Britta

2003-05-08T01:10:00.000-05:00

Heard prior to May, 2003:

"I'm not white, I'm Polish!"
– Hutch, Fall '01

"Where's that soda I ordered?"
– Hutch, nearly an hour after having asked for one, Fall '01

"Where exactly does he think he's from?"
– Ally, on Roy is SSBM, 10.02

"You get turned into a sheep. You get fucked up. Why? Because you got turned into a fucking sheep."
– Hutch, 11.02

"Many a wooden spoon have shattered on my ass."
– Hutch, 11.02

"Hutch, how long has that particular rod been in your mouth?"
– Kate, 11.02

"Do you have a pair of something I could squeeze this with?"
– Hutch, 11.02

"If you get turned purple does your charsima go down?"
"Because of coldness?"
"Because you're purple."
– Tom and Hutch, 11.02

"That's so lame. They could've at least put pants in the oven."
– Hutch, on the fire alarm incident in Rorem, 12.02

"Dead Jordan would be of no use to me.."
– Kate, on IM, 12.02

"I'm gonna go to Kyle's room to see if he's busy."
– Roxy, 12.02

"You know that feeling you get when you go to get an annoying booger out of your nose and it turns out it has a tail that goes all the way to the back of your throat, but you pull it out anyway? .... I'm still trying to decide if I like that feeling or not."
– Matt from MT on IM, 12.02

"We shall go on a quest. We will need a sleeping bag, three hundred sporks, and some rum."
– Erinn, 12.02

"I'm so anti-the-whole-Jesus-thing."
– Liz, 12.02

"ALF is sucking on my breast!" and later, "... ALF gave me a blow job! It was horrible!"
– Tom, 12.02

"Isn't it time for you to itch your balls? Aren't your balls itchy you ball-itcher?"
– Ally, angrily, 12.02

"I'm gonna pull this outta my pants 'cause it's too damn big."
– Hutch, 1.03

"Ooooh! She said 'seagull'!"
– Steph, 1.03

"I want to learn how to ride a broomstick!"
– Megan, 1.03

"I need to be on a homework ship... Like Ben-Hur style."
– Kate, 1.03

"'Classification of Discreet Strip Patterns' .. Oh my god, speaking of that.."
– Fraenzi, reading from her Geometry book, 2.03

"It's like Jimmy flippin' Cricket."
– Kate, on IM, 2.03

"I found the lube.. and a hand puppet!"
– Katie, 2.03

"I just had the strangest dream while napping.. Tommy Lee and Nikki Taylor gave me relationship advice on an island under the Newport bridge. There was turkey involved, too."
– Tom, 2.03

"I'm fucking majestic and I shit!"
– Megan, 2.03

"I will sell this Jordan today
Shut Up Jordn [sic]
Not an AXE
KDX [with eyes and tongue sticking out]
[drawing of "Icabod", an angry, angular thing]
I'm drunk take my keys
Is the glass half empty or half refilled
I'm not laughing it's not funny
Who will buy me tonight?"
– Things Kat wrote on Jordan's hands, 3.03

"My buttons are not reluctant!"
– Kate, 4.03